Abusive individuals never own up to their behavior. They pretend to occasionally in order to keep their victim in their grasp or to perform, put on a show. It’s a form of manipulation. The second you don’t buy in to it they will snap back to their previous disposition of rage and control. They will become angry at you if you do not accept their apology. This is not normal. A healthy individual will own up to the their behavior when a mistake is made and do not expect someone to accept their apology, of course hope they do, but will not be angry and pressure the other person to do so.
So as you can imagine, if you have an abusive person who can’t own up to bad behavior acting badly, they are going to find a way to blame that behavior on someone else no matter what. They will even strive to get a reaction out of their victims just to feel justified in their abusive behavior. This is another way they turn the tables on their victim.
Abusers see in black and white. They idealize and devalue. This means that one minute the victim is being doted upon, praised and complimented the next they’re being completely discredited and treated horrifically for not following the abusers rules. The victim is going to be subjected to a roller coaster of emotions having someone do this to them, right? Remember, abusers don’t acknowledge their actions AT ALL. So what does that leave? The victim is suddenly bi-polar. They are emotionally unstable. They’re the one who is happy with the abuser one minute then hate them or have a problem with them the next. Wait what? The victim is being dragged through the mud, emotionally tortured then put on a pedestal repeatedly for as long as they’re with the abuser, of course they’re going to go from feeling good to awful constantly and they’re definitely not going to handle it well because it’s not normal. It is not healthy. Abusers are very good at manipulating and causing confusion to turn everything around on to the victim. They’re masters of manipulation. For example, if an abuser were to read this blog they would most likely try to say that their victim is the one idealizing and devaluing them; however, they would probably be referring to the victims reaction to abuse by leaving the perpetrator to stay with family, becoming withdrawn, angry, depressed then going back if they left and/or forgiving when the abuser apologizes and promises change. They are very happy, positive and hopeful for a while due to the honeymoon phase and the abusers seemingly improved behavior until the abuser reverts back to abusing, then the victim reacts with anger, sadness, withdrawal again so in reality the victim is reacting to the cycle of abuse or idealizing and devaluing of the abuser. Abusive individuals can take anything they are doing and turn it around on to their victims.
This is how victims of abuse lose themselves. They’re trapped. They feel hopeful then helpless on repeat.
This barely scratches the surface of what victims experience. I write these to raise awareness on the many different forms of abuse and the ways perpetrators carry out their abuse. Abuse is more complex than people realize, I hope by sharing people can start to understand what domestic violence and abuse really is. It’s not just a punch in the face or a black eye, it’s a punch in the soul and a kick to the very core of your being psychologically and emotionally.